Paul F. Tompkins: Laboring Under Delusions airs at 11pm E/P on Comedy Central. Please watch it. You are under no obligation to enjoy it. It’s fine by me if you sit through the whole thing staring daggers at the TV, grinding your teeth to powder as you will a sandbag to fall on my head (it won’t, FYI; the special was recorded months ago). Just as long as you watch.
Maybe you’re planning to watch it later. You’re gonna DVR it, you’re gonna go out, it’s Saturday night, you’re gonna hit a bar and get super drunk, then get home and watch the first two minutes of my special before passing out on the couch, a Whopper Jr. with one bite out of it falling out of your hand and onto the floor like some squalid homage to the opening of Citizen Kane.
Let me say this: watching it live means ratings for me. Ratings for me means
love success for me. So why don’t you stay in tomorrow night? Invite a special someone over to watch? Patton Oswalt’s special airs right before mine, make a night of it! Don’t you know that comedy leads to romance? It’s true. You just read it on the internet.
And get a load of this— on Tuesday, you’ll be able to own my special in its full-length form. You can:
- buy a physical DVD on Amazon.com
- download it on iTunes and Amazon instant video
- watch it on your Xbox or Sony PlayStation (you probably have to be high)
- mysterious things called Vudu and Samsung Media Hub are also part of this
I know that for some of you, I am too beautiful to behold. So there will be an audio release of Laboring Under Delusions on AST records in October. This is the same material plus even more, a completely separate performance, recorded live at The Bell House in Brooklyn.
There. Now you know what you must do. And may God have mercy on our souls.