andeathisbike asked you:
Kristen, let me ask you..why are you so awesome at what you do? Is it some kind of magic you’re hogging to yourself? you better share!

Well isn’t it obvious? You’re the magic! 

Anonymous asked you:
Hey, Kristen. I am a New York City man and last year made eye contact with you on the subway. I let my glance linger a moment too long once I realized I was looking at a famous comedian. I felt weird and creepy about that and would like to publicly apologize for my behavior (albeit anonymously).

I remember you. You were very polite. We’re cool, New York City Man. Next time I see you on the subway I might be selling M&Ms. I hope you’ll give me a dollar, even if I’m out of peanut. 

Anonymous asked you:
Can I be your bra for a day? To be near your heart; to quiver with your ribcage when you laugh your angelic, maniacal laugh.

Yeah! Let me talk to my bras. They are in a union, so it might be tricky. But I can tell they are exhausted.  

lambitk8 asked you:
Is there any way I can become a quirky female comedian without directly copying you?

Of course! There’s at least 50 shades of quirky. 

Anonymous asked you:
kristen, when is it okay to use the word love and what does it mean?

It’s ok to use it whenever you feel alive. Because you should love that you’re alive. Ok? 

Anonymous asked you:
Kristen Schaal: best thing to ever come out of Longmont, or only thing to ever come out of Longmont?

One of MANY things to come out of Longmont. We’ve got Vance Brand who came out of Longmont and didn’t stop till he got to space. So, expectations are astronomically high.  

Anonymous asked you:
Will you try and get the crew back together for flight of the concordes?

You know what? I absolutely will. I just talked to Jemaine this weekend. And I am not going to stop pitching that we make a movie until they stop hanging out with me. 

juanozuna asked you:
Dear Kristen: Playful pussycat or roaring lioness?

Playful Lioness. Obviously.  

Anonymous asked you:
If there a 9 to 5 remake was ever done. Which part would you like to play? Dolly, Jane or Lilly?

The clock.  

- - -

That’s it for this edition of Ask a Professional Comedian. A big, sincere thanks goes out to Kristen Schaal for participating and to everyone who submitted questions!

Don’t miss the premiere of Kristen Schaal: Live at The Fillmore, Monday at midnight.

24thoughtspersecond asked you:
Kristen! I’ve heard rumors you’re going to be on next week’s episode of Archer guest starring along side Eugene. Can you give us any idea what sort of character you’ll be playing?

I’m not sure how much I can share. But I will give you one clue, this character is very good at operating heavy machinery.  

humblemisfit asked you:
How did it feel to slap Anthony Jeselnik on The Jeselnik Offensive? That was so badass and hilarious.

It felt so, so right. 

Anonymous asked you:
Hey Kristen! This question is a little irrelevant but whatever: If you could use your feet as if they were hands, how would you use this to your advantage?

I suppose I would keep tiny journals in my shoes. And they’d be up to all sorts of mischief under the table. 

thingsbysophie asked you:
Hi Kristen! If you could live someones else’s life for the day who would it be and why? x

Tori Amos. Because I could hang out with fairies in the day and then belt out an incredible concert at night.  

ohnomyperm asked you:
Kristen, answer once and for all. Who does Mel love more, Bret or Jemaine?

I won’t waiver. She loves them both THE SAME!  

listenwithjustin asked you:
What are you listening to these days—any one or two albums playing on repeat?

Anything Emily Wells and Hot Chip’s new album In Our Heads.  

Anonymous asked you:
why do you keep badmouthing your special on twitter?

I’m simply truth telling with my bad mouth.   

Anonymous asked you:
Are you touring the uk? We need some good female comedy in this country!!! X

Not anytime soon. But you do have some amazing female comics there: Josie Long, Claudia O'Doherty, Sarah Millican, Luisa Omielan, and that is from thousands of miles away off the top of my head. 

Anonymous asked you:
Are we ever going to see a conclusion to Penelope: Princess of Pets?

Oh, Anonymous. I sincerely hope so. Maybe we should make a movie! It would have to be a kickstarter funded flick, though. The Hollywood Suits are afraid of Penelope. 

stfugabriela asked you:
On a scale of Elizabeth Taylor to Barbara Streisand how Jewish are you?

As far as I know I am not Jewish. But! There is a lot of holes in my ancestor’s history. I like to believe that there was some cross over that no one recorded in the 1800’s. I want that to be true so bad. 

Anonymous asked you:
kristen schaal: if comedy/tv didn’t work out, what would you have done?

I probably would have worked for the FBI. 

tschrempvideo asked you:
how great is it being the cutest actress in hollywood?

I mean, no complaints! It’s like living inside of a giant cupcake!  

gothbless asked you:
What advise would you give to a young female comedian just starting out?

Again, go up on stage as often as you can. Move to a city that can give you that, mainly New York. And start your own room. So you are guaranteed for stage time every week, and are able to meet everyone. 

- - -

Kristen Schaal is answering fan questions live right now! Submit them to our Ask box, then don’t miss the premiere of Kristen Schaal: Live at The Fillmore, Monday at midnight.

ridethenote asked you:
Kristen- How different is your stage persona from your personality in everyday life?

I’m mute in real life. Only the stage can make me talk. 

stefanreed asked you:
This is for Kristen. Will you please buy me a cheeseburger? Beyonce never responded.

Yeah as long as I can watch you eat it. And we can’t talk. Just locked eyes.  

jojotari asked you:
Kristen, if you don’t meet the traditional “Hollywood star” mold (as in short, obese, crippling stage freight, etc.), what could a person do to get noticed?

Well, what do you want to get noticed for? Whatever talent you have is even more special if it’s packaged uniquely. But you have to write and make your own stuff. 

Anonymous asked you:
Why do you keep telling people not to watch your special? What went wrong?

It was a disaster. Don’t make me relive it. 

boogstersu2 asked you:
Hey Kristen Schaal. Sorry to say this in front of CC’s followers, but are you a fan of My Little Pony? Because, for some reason, your character from Gravity Falls (Mabel Pines) reminds me of Pinkie Pie a lot. :)) ^^ (Also, you should consider wearing pink bunny ears all day long when you’re on stage! ;))

I’m a fan of the OLD SCHOOL My Little Pony. When they were simple. With just some apples painted on their butt in soft pastel colors. Like you find them in nature.

jessiehasfriends asked you:
For Kirsten Schaal: What is the most difficult part about becoming a comedian?

Writing the jokes. 

roofie-colada asked you:
Did you ever have a funeral for your caterpillar friend?

I did, thank you. Clarence is an angel now. 

alstoranotter asked you:
Kristen: would you ever consider screwing with someone’s head by talking only in the voice of a character you only do voice overs for, like Louise or Mabel?

I wouldn’t even have to consider it, since that’s my real voice. 

theapatheticwit asked you:
Dear Kristen Schaal, do you still have those sexual fantasies about George Washington or have you moved on to other historical figures? -Elizabeth

George Washington was my first crush. You never get over that. But I will say Thomas Edison has the power to turn A LOT of things on.  

Anonymous asked you:
What’s a Higgs Boson particle? Explain it so that even I can understand it.

Just read this wikipedia post I stayed up all night writing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higgs_boson 

iwannabefunny asked you:
a question for kristen: What made you get into voice acting for cartoons like Bob’s Burgers and Gravity Falls? and is it weird to go back and forth between an adult humor show and a kids show?

I always wanted to be a cartoon since I’ve been accused of being a living one. It’s not weird, since the characters are very different. It’s fun!

Anonymous asked you:
Does it creep you out when someone yells “I love you!” from within the crowd? If so, I’ll stop.

I don’t mind it. As long as it’s not interrupting an incredible punchline! 

Anonymous asked you:
Is that bunny ears tattoo on your arm real ???

That’s not mine! That’s a fan’s. 

Anonymous asked you:
How did you get to be so awesome?

Ahhh, that’s your opinion, and I like it! You’re awesome! 

Anonymous asked you:
Does Kristen have any tips for an aspiring comedian?

Get on stage and practice your set 3-4 times a week.  

- - -

Kristen Schaal is answering fan questions live right now! Submit them to our Ask box, then don’t miss the premiere of Kristen Schaal: Live at The Fillmore, Monday at midnight.

seancurry1 asked you:
Dear Kristen I was eating my oreos and suddenly slipped into an alternate dimension by accident. This place smells of cannonade and fills my ears with the unanswered cries of a thousand extinguished civilizations. So what’s a smart, hip way to lose weight for bikini season?

Do not lose weight! With the undeniable climate change you should let your body be your guide. If it needs to pack it on in these challenging times then you must obey. 

tanchancey asked you:
Kristen, does Jon Stewart have a friendly disposition or is he really serious?

Jon Stewart is the best boss you’ll ever have. He is friendly, funny, and humble. He is seriously thoughtful.  

somaticsedition asked you:
(question for Kristen Schaal) If there was a magic machine that allowed you to physically be any character you have ever acted/voiced for and live in their “real” world for a week, which character would you choose and why?

That’s tough! How do I choose? With Louise, I could hang with her awesome family and be sweetly diabolical. With Mabel, I could be goofy and go on supernatural adventures! With Trixie, I’d meet Andy! So I suppose every animated character always.

Anonymous asked you:
Hi Kristen. You seemed unhappy with your special on Comedy Bang Bang and you’ve tweeted a few times that fans shouldn’t watch it. I can’t tell at this point if you mean it or not.

 OF COURSE I MEANT IT!

birdmadboy asked you:
Kristen, you are so cute and sexy and funny and I love you. Will you take my V card??????

As much as I would love to add to my collection of V cards, I am a married lady. And you have great taste, so I am confident that you will find a taker. 

Anonymous asked you:
KS, if you could kiss anybody right now with your hand on their butt, who would that person be?

Beyonce? J-Lo? Whose butt is insured, again?  

Anonymous asked you:
This one’s for Kristen Schaal. In your experience, what has been your most successful method to seducing a man?

Bucking all social mores.  

artclasshero asked you:
Hey Kristen! In addition to being hilarious in live action roles you pop up randomly in animated roles (which are just as hilarious) I want to know if you have a favorite animated role that you’ve played/play.

I do have a soft spot for Louise in Bob’s Burgers. She’s smart, manipulative, and being nine years old-vulnerable.  

Anonymous asked you:
Hey Kristen, I haven’t seen much of your comedy, but I’m highly interested in seeing you. Can you describe your stand up in 1 - 3 sentences?

It’s a bit blue, meaning dirty. It’s unconventional. Akwardable?

- - -

Kristen Schaal is answering fan questions live right now! Submit them to our Ask box, then don’t miss the premiere of Kristen Schaal: Live at The Fillmore, Monday at midnight.

Ask a Professional Comedian: Eugene Mirman

The great Eugene Mirman’s brand new stand-up special, An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory, premieres tomorrow night at 12am/11c. But first, he’s going to be answering your questions today at 1pm EST / 10am PST in the latest installment of our live Q&A series, Ask a Professional Comedian.

You can start dropping your questions in our Ask box now, but be sure to mention they’re for Eugene. In the meantime, click the image to watch a clip from the special.